Infertility and the steep road........

I suppose in another life I must have done something really wrong because this life has been seriously hard. I've had my last infertility operation this past week. I share this story and the updates with all of you because I hope that it can help someone else that it may happen to or be happening to. I have one working tube and ovary and 12 more months to try and get pregnant, which brings us to year number 7. Seven years of a lot of physical and emotional pain. I wasn't going to write about this but felt it needed some sort of update for those of you who don't know what is going on and why my status updates are depressing at times. Infertility for 7 years (watching all of my friends, some on thier 2nd and 3rd babies) and 10 years of heartwrenching illnesses and disability.

The Good Part: Allen and I have eachother and hopefully always will. He is the MOST SUPPORTIVE MAN that exists. The things he's had to endure are unspeakable. In fact he doesn't speak of these things and I don't blame him, even though I do. It is helpful for me to write about things and then get them off of my chest. We still have the highest love for one another and it shows in photos that people take of us when we least expected them.

So going forward: Looks like we are going to have to move on, but I had to do just about everything before I gave up. I was never brought up to give up and my parents and sister still support me as we travel this road. Of course I can't ever forget Tricia!!!!!!!!!

Thank you those of you who actually take the time to read my stuff. Thank you to those of you who show how much you love and care about us. We couldn't do it all alone!

I'd love to go on a hike but I am on some strict rest for 4-6 weeks and I also have a broken foot that needs tending too but my operation got in the way of that.

Thanks Again to those of you who try to understand!!!!!!!!!! I am happy to answer any questions any of you may have regarding infertility and what to expect. I also welcome any questions of my chronic illnesses. People don't always understand unless they ask.

Kara

Fertility Sucks

Ok Here's the deal............Allen and I have been trying to have a baby going into 7 years now. We have divided family on the issue. When you go through something as heavy as this and you are dealing with the amount of pain I do each day, you kind of get tunnel vision and forget the rest of the world. The part of the world that you don't forget, are the women that are beautifully pregnant. It hurts espescially when the woman or women are or were close to you.

This past month we thougt we may have gotten it right.......3 weeks later to lose it. Now I know some of you think this is not a loss, but it is. It's the loss and grief of never being able to have a baby. Your own baby.

Not only did I fail at having a career, house, and the rest of the American Dream, I also failed at getting and staying pregnant. I'm tired of getting positive pregnancy tests at home only to go to the Hospital to find out that it's negative. There's nothing like having a TOTAL STRANGER tell you that you are not pregnant.

I'd rather find out alone in my own home...........Not to mention we have a party to go to in August and there will be at least 3 pregnant women there that I know of. That will be a heavily intoxicating night for sure.

So the plan moving forward is to see my Doctor in August and decide what to do next. But after this we are done.

It will just be the two of us as it always has been and hopefully always will be!

Thanks for taking time to read and understand where we are coming from.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

Kara

Miracels?

Photos from my Mother in Law's and Mom's garden.

I'm still thinking about Miracles again. It's not very far for me to go in this brain of mine. I've been seeing this CVS Pharmacy commercial that has a beautiful song behind it. I kept thinking.....I want that song but had no idea who sang it. I found it by accident right in front of my face tonight.

WELL...... HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!! MY HIGH POINT FOR THE NIGHT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urv7tyeJ7qE

It's by Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

OH AND BY THE WAY..................................Charlotte's Web is my absolute FAVORITE MOVIE from childhood!

Kara

To Anyone Who Cares

Please Watch This Fisrt (It's long so take a tea or coffee break)

This describes the experience of infertility. A link to give family and friends who may be having a hard time understanding our struggle with infertility.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Not only are we done with the grueling fertility drugs but this month has sucked more than any words can say. And I've been to the best surgeon on the East Coast for my fertility issues. He has done just about all he can for now. I was in the Hospital and Allen got a very bad cold with a high fever and couldn't go to work until Today. In the middle of all of this we lost this month to try and conceive. I just want to bang my head against a wall and scream. I am very bitter and angry. It seems every where I look I see someone pregnant with or with one and another on the way. I saw a therapist for 4 years back when we started this grim process. I've had to fight for each and everything that I have in life but this one fight that I'm not going to win. It's a losing battle at this point. We have 3 more months left to try and then we will have to make some really hard choices, come August.

The reason I write this here is that NO ONE LISTENS! They change the subject and or say nothing at all. It's very lonely thats for DAMN sure! My closest family members are stuck in their own lives. All I see are Ashley Simpson (not even married) and Jamie Lynn Spears at age 16, and Angelina Jolee with her whole orphanage and still having her own, and the list could go on forever. My Best Friend is Due next month around my birthday. My Cousin is due in May.......Friends, Family, Strangers...I'm all alone! Some of my very best friends are so caught up in their own lives that they can't even take time to watch or read this and that is sad. You find out who your real friends are eh?


I'm jealous and ANGRY but that is OK because I have a right to be under my circumstances. I'm not quite sure why I missed the boat? What the Hell did I do in life to deserve this much physical and emotional pain???????????????

Around 6 years of this........I know there has to come a point where we stop because the emotional pain is too much to keep going on like this. But at the same time I don't want to let it go because, after all it was a dream, and a hope, but I've lost the faith.

Society tells us how we should live. High School, College, Find a Career, Meet Someone Special, Get Engaged, Get Married, Buy A House, Have Two Cars, Have Children, with a white picket fence outside, and live happily ever after.

This Video describes the feelings going through my head........

But Don't worry for those of you who actually read this, I will pick myself up in due time and keep going.........

Thanks for actually watching and reading this post. It means more to me than any of you know. It's very lonely without family here. Even with family here, it's still incredibly hard!

Kara (Empty Arms and Broken Heart)

Spent a Night in The Emergency Room

This weekend wasn't so great. Saturday, I was looking forward to a nice breezy weekend and a good book to curl up with. Around 7:00PM I had severe abdominal pain. I tried all of the tricks I own for reducing this sort of pain, called my Doctor in Rochester, and he told me to head on over to the ER for a cat scan. They found nothing wrong and sent me home. This sort of this is not unusal for me. I wasn't surprised. They did keep me unitl the pain subsided though and they gave me some really awesome pain killers, while I was there. I feel like I am hungover but I'm happy to say that I'm not in any pain. When I got home at 5:00AM, I found Allen sick. He has a cold, cough, sore throat thing. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us. Lots of hot tea and comfort food.

The chorus of this song best desribes my feelings today: (LEANN RIMES LYRICS"What I Cannot Change")

"I will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I can"

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvOyi6mYIWs

Tomorrow is a New Day!!!!

Kara

Sad Today

This month has come to an end and we are on to the next. Each month that I find out I'm not pregnant is very sad. Today is that day for us. It's really hard to bounce back and continue trying when each time it fails.

This waterfall is in my back yard. Today I've cried enough to contribute to it. The Dream is slowly slipping out of my hands to be a Mother. The many years of trying (I think it's rounding out to about 6 years) is becoming very overwhelming.

The good thing is that Allen is right beside me to wipe the tears away and to help me cope. He's my best friend.

Here's my pick for a song for today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJXihzjGX9E

4 More Months to try to get pregnant.....Miracles Do Happen!

I saw my surgeon today for my 4 month follow up from my last surgery. He says he is giving us 4 more months before performing the surgery all over again in August. We discussed various forms of surgery. But what he really wants for Allen and I is for us to have to cancel that August appointment due to good news. He says he's praying to God and everyone else we believe in. He says this will be the best possible solution to the pain I have to live with day and and day out. Lets just cross our fingers and let this journey come to a happy ending. Allen an I are both exaughsted.

Every year for Christmas my 81 year old Grandmother gives all of the women in the family an Amarillus Plant. This particular plant of mine has been in hibernation for 6 years. A Few Days Ago while my Mom was visting we noticed in one of my windows that this Amarillus Plant was starting 4 buds. Two of them have gone into full bloom and the other two should be out within a few days. The reason I tell this story is because I believe that it is a sign of good things and health to come!

I believe in miracles because being born at 6 months of age and only weighing only 1 pound and 10 ounces 31 years ago...........

Kara

Kara