Sunday, November 23, 2008

Books regarding Moving on After Infertility

I ordered a bunch of books to start reading to get mysef in a better place. I hope the books were worth it and I can take some positive things from them.

Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility (read a long time ago and don't remember it)

Waiting for them to arrive.
Childfree After Infertility: Moving From Childlessness to a Joyous Life...
Childfree and Loving It!
Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life without Kids
Pride And Joy: The Lives And Passions Of Women Without Children

I hope that I can find some positive things about not becoming a Mom.


Saturday, November 22, 2008


Tinker Bell/Butterfly Tattoo Story written on Saturday, November 23, 2008

With all of the health issues I have and being put on Disability, never to work in my career again……… lose sight of who you are and begin to feel like you have no worth to the world. For myself, I spend most of my time in my bed, lying down with pain medication and ice.

I decided to watch Tinker Bell and wasn’t even sure why I was interested in doing so. Maybe because I just got a tattoo of butterflies. Butterflies are symbolic for me. The story starts out with my 2nd Mother who happened to be a wonderful support for me when I moved to Boston. She got me started with the right Doctor who helped treat me for 7 years. After I moved back to NY in 2002, I still went back to this particular doctor. To make this part of the story short…….Molly visited me in the hospital one of several times I had to have an operation in Boston. I woke up from one of my operations, and she was sitting at the end of my bed. I couldn’t see very well and things were fuzzy but I thought it was my Mom. I also didn’t have my glasses on. She started to talk and I quickly realized that it was my “2nd Mom”, Molly. She waited for me to wake up. She said she had a gift for me. She explained that it was nothing big and no big deal, just a little something to brighten up my spirits. I’m sorry but I can’t make this story short anywhere. Please bear with me until I get to the point. Those of you who love me will read this to the end.

Molly gave me a ceramic butterfly that was beautiful. Inside of that Butterfly was a smaller butterfly, inside of a tiny zip lock bag. I told myself that I would not let this smaller butterfly out of the bag until I became a mother. Because that was my one and only dream, to become a Mother (especially to a daughter). I felt like becoming a mother would give me my wings to fly. Ever since one of my best friends got hit by a car, when I was twelve years old (Alison Harper), I wanted to be a Mom and if I had a girl I was going to name her Ali.

Well, my disease progressed and I got sicker and sicker. Seven years of trying to get pregnant and we just couldn’t do it. With all the fertility doctors and fertility drugs, shots and reconstructive operations………….nothing, no pregnancy for Kara. Meanwhile I had pushed this butterfly out of my view and hid it in my 2nd bedroom, which would have been where we put our nursery. After many years of introspection with myself…….I woke up one day and told my Husband that I wanted to get a butterfly tattoo. (If you really know me well, you know that this is EXTREME for me b/c it’s just not in my character to do something that is so permanent. He asked me why. I told him I was ready to begin accepting the fact that I won’t be a mother but there must be something out there for me that is very important. Even though I’m not sure what that is yet. That night I had 5 beautiful butterflies on my back near my right shoulder. The next day, I took out Molly’s butterfly and dusted it off. It had been sitting there for 5 years. I opened it and I opened the tiny ziplock bag and let the little butterfly out. I threw away the bag. I didn’t need to explain anything to My Husband . He knew what I was doing. I was starting to be happy with just me (Kara) with no children but with the idea that I am still important and here for some reason. The tattoo is a few months old. I could never be happier with my choice because they remind me everyday and night that it’s time to fly and be who I am, not someone I think I want to be or are supposed to be.

So you may be asking yourself why does this story have anything to do with the Movie, Tinker Bell? The whole premise behind the movie is that Tinker Bell is not happy with who she is and what her purpose in life is. She wants to be one of the other fairies so she can go to the Mainland with them. Try as she might she keeps messing things up with this line of thinking. When she finally decides to look inside of her heart and do what she was meant to do, things start to work out for her and she is able to journey to the Mainland with the other fairies. Basically she finds her purpose and once she becomes OK with it she starts to fly to the Mainland and she finds her happiness in who she was made to be.

I felt this was really fitting for my situation because I am always wanting to be a Mom and forgetting about my real reason for being here in this moment.

The Lyrics:

Watch all the flowersDance with the windListen to snowflakesWhisper your nameFeel all the wonderLifting your dreamsYou can flyFly to who you areClimb up on your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyTo your heartTouch every rainbowPainting the skyLook at the magicGlide through your lifeA sprinkle of pixie dustCircles the night you can flyFly to who you areClimb upon your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyEverywhere you goYour soul will find a homeYou'll be free to spreadYour wingsFlyYou can flyTo your heart(Fly, fly)Rise to the heights of allYou can be(Fly, fly)Soar on the hope ofMarvelous thingsFly to who you areClimb upon your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyEverywhere you goYour soul will find a homeYou'll be free to spreadYour wingsFlyyou can fly to your heart

So with my Butterflies on my shoulder, Molly’s ceramic butterfly now free, and watching this movie……I think I am ready to accept what life has brought to me and begin to be happy about it.

Kara Lynn Reese

The Video and Song on Youtube

Photos of my Tattoo:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Dying puts things into reality. I am simply glad I made it and that Allen was there!

I just wanted you all to know why I was gone all week. I was in the Hospital all week with some very negligent doctors. I started throwing up Monday Morning after my Husband went to work. I was so sick I couldn't move. I had to call 911 immedaitely. At some point in my Hospital stay A Doctor found out that I have severe Iron-Deficiency Anemia. I am bleeding somewhere that he didn't want to investigate. He threw 500mg of Dextran in my IV and I had Anaphalic Shock. This was yesterday. My Husband came immediately and my Mom was on the phone while it was happening. The Doctor and the nurses were laughing at me. They thought I was making it all up until the real symptoms started to show themselves. The Doctor won't admit that it happend.

I am realling from this and very scared...........

I see my primary care Monday and My Chronic Pelvic Pain Specialst next Wed.

Please keep me in your heart and prayers while we find out what is happening.

Love and Hugs,