Thursday, April 24, 2008

To Anyone Who Cares

Please Watch This Fisrt (It's long so take a tea or coffee break)

This describes the experience of infertility. A link to give family and friends who may be having a hard time understanding our struggle with infertility.

Not only are we done with the grueling fertility drugs but this month has sucked more than any words can say. And I've been to the best surgeon on the East Coast for my fertility issues. He has done just about all he can for now. I was in the Hospital and Allen got a very bad cold with a high fever and couldn't go to work until Today. In the middle of all of this we lost this month to try and conceive. I just want to bang my head against a wall and scream. I am very bitter and angry. It seems every where I look I see someone pregnant with or with one and another on the way. I saw a therapist for 4 years back when we started this grim process. I've had to fight for each and everything that I have in life but this one fight that I'm not going to win. It's a losing battle at this point. We have 3 more months left to try and then we will have to make some really hard choices, come August.

The reason I write this here is that NO ONE LISTENS! They change the subject and or say nothing at all. It's very lonely thats for DAMN sure! My closest family members are stuck in their own lives. All I see are Ashley Simpson (not even married) and Jamie Lynn Spears at age 16, and Angelina Jolee with her whole orphanage and still having her own, and the list could go on forever. My Best Friend is Due next month around my birthday. My Cousin is due in May.......Friends, Family, Strangers...I'm all alone! Some of my very best friends are so caught up in their own lives that they can't even take time to watch or read this and that is sad. You find out who your real friends are eh?

I'm jealous and ANGRY but that is OK because I have a right to be under my circumstances. I'm not quite sure why I missed the boat? What the Hell did I do in life to deserve this much physical and emotional pain???????????????

Around 6 years of this........I know there has to come a point where we stop because the emotional pain is too much to keep going on like this. But at the same time I don't want to let it go because, after all it was a dream, and a hope, but I've lost the faith.

Society tells us how we should live. High School, College, Find a Career, Meet Someone Special, Get Engaged, Get Married, Buy A House, Have Two Cars, Have Children, with a white picket fence outside, and live happily ever after.

This Video describes the feelings going through my head........

But Don't worry for those of you who actually read this, I will pick myself up in due time and keep going.........

Thanks for actually watching and reading this post. It means more to me than any of you know. It's very lonely without family here. Even with family here, it's still incredibly hard!

Kara (Empty Arms and Broken Heart)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Spent a Night in The Emergency Room

This weekend wasn't so great. Saturday, I was looking forward to a nice breezy weekend and a good book to curl up with. Around 7:00PM I had severe abdominal pain. I tried all of the tricks I own for reducing this sort of pain, called my Doctor in Rochester, and he told me to head on over to the ER for a cat scan. They found nothing wrong and sent me home. This sort of this is not unusal for me. I wasn't surprised. They did keep me unitl the pain subsided though and they gave me some really awesome pain killers, while I was there. I feel like I am hungover but I'm happy to say that I'm not in any pain. When I got home at 5:00AM, I found Allen sick. He has a cold, cough, sore throat thing. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us. Lots of hot tea and comfort food.
The chorus of this song best desribes my feelings today: (LEANN RIMES LYRICS"What I Cannot Change")
"I will learn to let go what I cannot changeI will learn to forgive what I cannot changeI will learn to love what I cannot changeBut I will change, I will changeWhatever I, whenever I can"
Tomorrow is a New Day!!!!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Sad Today

This month has come to an end and we are on to the next. Each month that I find out I'm not pregnant is very sad. Today is that day for us. It's really hard to bounce back and continue trying when each time it fails.

This waterfall is in my back yard. Today I've cried enough to contribute to it. The Dream is slowly slipping out of my hands to be a Mother. The many years of trying (I think it's rounding out to about 6 years) is becoming very overwhelming.

The good thing is that Allen is right beside me to wipe the tears away and to help me cope. He's my best friend.

Here's my pick for a song for today:

Friday, April 4, 2008

4 More Months to try to get pregnant.....Miracles Do Happen!

I saw my surgeon today for my 4 month follow up from my last surgery. He says he is giving us 4 more months before performing the surgery all over again in August. We discussed various forms of surgery. But what he really wants for Allen and I is for us to have to cancel that August appointment due to good news. He says he's praying to God and everyone else we believe in. He says this will be the best possible solution to the pain I have to live with day and and day out. Lets just cross our fingers and let this journey come to a happy ending. Allen an I are both exaughsted.
Every year for Christmas my 81 year old Grandmother gives all of the women in the family an Amarillus Plant. This particular plant of mine has been in hibernation for 6 years. A Few Days Ago while my Mom was visting we noticed in one of my windows that this Amarillus Plant was starting 4 buds. Two of them have gone into full bloom and the other two should be out within a few days. The reason I tell this story is because I believe that it is a sign of good things and health to come!
I believe in miracles because being born at 6 months of age and only weighing only 1 pound and 10 ounces 31 years ago...........