Please Watch This Fisrt (It's long so take a tea or coffee break)
This describes the experience of infertility. A link to give family and friends who may be having a hard time understanding our struggle with infertility.
Not only are we done with the grueling fertility drugs but this month has sucked more than any words can say. And I've been to the best surgeon on the East Coast for my fertility issues. He has done just about all he can for now. I was in the Hospital and Allen got a very bad cold with a high fever and couldn't go to work until Today. In the middle of all of this we lost this month to try and conceive. I just want to bang my head against a wall and scream. I am very bitter and angry. It seems every where I look I see someone pregnant with or with one and another on the way. I saw a therapist for 4 years back when we started this grim process. I've had to fight for each and everything that I have in life but this one fight that I'm not going to win. It's a losing battle at this point. We have 3 more months left to try and then we will have to make some really hard choices, come August.
The reason I write this here is that NO ONE LISTENS! They change the subject and or say nothing at all. It's very lonely thats for DAMN sure! My closest family members are stuck in their own lives. All I see are Ashley Simpson (not even married) and Jamie Lynn Spears at age 16, and Angelina Jolee with her whole orphanage and still having her own, and the list could go on forever. My Best Friend is Due next month around my birthday. My Cousin is due in May.......Friends, Family, Strangers...I'm all alone! Some of my very best friends are so caught up in their own lives that they can't even take time to watch or read this and that is sad. You find out who your real friends are eh?
I'm jealous and ANGRY but that is OK because I have a right to be under my circumstances. I'm not quite sure why I missed the boat? What the Hell did I do in life to deserve this much physical and emotional pain???????????????
Around 6 years of this........I know there has to come a point where we stop because the emotional pain is too much to keep going on like this. But at the same time I don't want to let it go because, after all it was a dream, and a hope, but I've lost the faith.
Society tells us how we should live. High School, College, Find a Career, Meet Someone Special, Get Engaged, Get Married, Buy A House, Have Two Cars, Have Children, with a white picket fence outside, and live happily ever after.
This Video describes the feelings going through my head........
But Don't worry for those of you who actually read this, I will pick myself up in due time and keep going.........
Thanks for actually watching and reading this post. It means more to me than any of you know. It's very lonely without family here. Even with family here, it's still incredibly hard!
Kara (Empty Arms and Broken Heart)