Books regarding Moving on After Infertility

I ordered a bunch of books to start reading to get mysef in a better place. I hope the books were worth it and I can take some positive things from them.

Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again (Reading Now)

Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility (read a long time ago and don't remember it)

Waiting for them to arrive.
Childfree After Infertility: Moving From Childlessness to a Joyous Life...
Childfree and Loving It!
Baby Not on Board: A Celebration of Life without Kids
Pride And Joy: The Lives And Passions Of Women Without Children

I hope that I can find some positive things about not becoming a Mom.

Kara

YOU CAN FLY!

Tinker Bell/Butterfly Tattoo Story written on Saturday, November 23, 2008

With all of the health issues I have and being put on Disability, never to work in my career again………..you lose sight of who you are and begin to feel like you have no worth to the world. For myself, I spend most of my time in my bed, lying down with pain medication and ice.

I decided to watch Tinker Bell and wasn’t even sure why I was interested in doing so. Maybe because I just got a tattoo of butterflies. Butterflies are symbolic for me. The story starts out with my 2nd Mother who happened to be a wonderful support for me when I moved to Boston. She got me started with the right Doctor who helped treat me for 7 years. After I moved back to NY in 2002, I still went back to this particular doctor. To make this part of the story short…….Molly visited me in the hospital one of several times I had to have an operation in Boston. I woke up from one of my operations, and she was sitting at the end of my bed. I couldn’t see very well and things were fuzzy but I thought it was my Mom. I also didn’t have my glasses on. She started to talk and I quickly realized that it was my “2nd Mom”, Molly. She waited for me to wake up. She said she had a gift for me. She explained that it was nothing big and no big deal, just a little something to brighten up my spirits. I’m sorry but I can’t make this story short anywhere. Please bear with me until I get to the point. Those of you who love me will read this to the end.

Molly gave me a ceramic butterfly that was beautiful. Inside of that Butterfly was a smaller butterfly, inside of a tiny zip lock bag. I told myself that I would not let this smaller butterfly out of the bag until I became a mother. Because that was my one and only dream, to become a Mother (especially to a daughter). I felt like becoming a mother would give me my wings to fly. Ever since one of my best friends got hit by a car, when I was twelve years old (Alison Harper), I wanted to be a Mom and if I had a girl I was going to name her Ali.

Well, my disease progressed and I got sicker and sicker. Seven years of trying to get pregnant and we just couldn’t do it. With all the fertility doctors and fertility drugs, shots and reconstructive operations………….nothing, no pregnancy for Kara. Meanwhile I had pushed this butterfly out of my view and hid it in my 2nd bedroom, which would have been where we put our nursery. After many years of introspection with myself…….I woke up one day and told my Husband that I wanted to get a butterfly tattoo. (If you really know me well, you know that this is EXTREME for me b/c it’s just not in my character to do something that is so permanent. He asked me why. I told him I was ready to begin accepting the fact that I won’t be a mother but there must be something out there for me that is very important. Even though I’m not sure what that is yet. That night I had 5 beautiful butterflies on my back near my right shoulder. The next day, I took out Molly’s butterfly and dusted it off. It had been sitting there for 5 years. I opened it and I opened the tiny ziplock bag and let the little butterfly out. I threw away the bag. I didn’t need to explain anything to My Husband . He knew what I was doing. I was starting to be happy with just me (Kara) with no children but with the idea that I am still important and here for some reason. The tattoo is a few months old. I could never be happier with my choice because they remind me everyday and night that it’s time to fly and be who I am, not someone I think I want to be or are supposed to be.

So you may be asking yourself why does this story have anything to do with the Movie, Tinker Bell? The whole premise behind the movie is that Tinker Bell is not happy with who she is and what her purpose in life is. She wants to be one of the other fairies so she can go to the Mainland with them. Try as she might she keeps messing things up with this line of thinking. When she finally decides to look inside of her heart and do what she was meant to do, things start to work out for her and she is able to journey to the Mainland with the other fairies. Basically she finds her purpose and once she becomes OK with it she starts to fly to the Mainland and she finds her happiness in who she was made to be.

I felt this was really fitting for my situation because I am always wanting to be a Mom and forgetting about my real reason for being here in this moment.

The Lyrics:

Watch all the flowersDance with the windListen to snowflakesWhisper your nameFeel all the wonderLifting your dreamsYou can flyFly to who you areClimb up on your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyTo your heartTouch every rainbowPainting the skyLook at the magicGlide through your lifeA sprinkle of pixie dustCircles the night you can flyFly to who you areClimb upon your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyEverywhere you goYour soul will find a homeYou'll be free to spreadYour wingsFlyYou can flyTo your heart(Fly, fly)Rise to the heights of allYou can be(Fly, fly)Soar on the hope ofMarvelous thingsFly to who you areClimb upon your starYou believe you'll findYour wingsFlyEverywhere you goYour soul will find a homeYou'll be free to spreadYour wingsFlyyou can fly to your heart

So with my Butterflies on my shoulder, Molly’s ceramic butterfly now free, and watching this movie……I think I am ready to accept what life has brought to me and begin to be happy about it.

Kara Lynn Reese

The Video and Song on Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmoBUUD6j6w

Photos of my Tattoo: http://www.ic-network.com/forum/album.php?albumid=1

Dying puts things into reality. I am simply glad I made it and that Allen was there!

I just wanted you all to know why I was gone all week. I was in the Hospital all week with some very negligent doctors. I started throwing up Monday Morning after my Husband went to work. I was so sick I couldn't move. I had to call 911 immedaitely. At some point in my Hospital stay A Doctor found out that I have severe Iron-Deficiency Anemia. I am bleeding somewhere that he didn't want to investigate. He threw 500mg of Dextran in my IV and I had Anaphalic Shock. This was yesterday. My Husband came immediately and my Mom was on the phone while it was happening. The Doctor and the nurses were laughing at me. They thought I was making it all up until the real symptoms started to show themselves. The Doctor won't admit that it happend.

I am realling from this and very scared...........

I see my primary care Monday and My Chronic Pelvic Pain Specialst next Wed.

Please keep me in your heart and prayers while we find out what is happening.

Love and Hugs,

Kara

Infertility and the steep road........

I suppose in another life I must have done something really wrong because this life has been seriously hard. I've had my last infertility operation this past week. I share this story and the updates with all of you because I hope that it can help someone else that it may happen to or be happening to. I have one working tube and ovary and 12 more months to try and get pregnant, which brings us to year number 7. Seven years of a lot of physical and emotional pain. I wasn't going to write about this but felt it needed some sort of update for those of you who don't know what is going on and why my status updates are depressing at times. Infertility for 7 years (watching all of my friends, some on thier 2nd and 3rd babies) and 10 years of heartwrenching illnesses and disability.

The Good Part: Allen and I have eachother and hopefully always will. He is the MOST SUPPORTIVE MAN that exists. The things he's had to endure are unspeakable. In fact he doesn't speak of these things and I don't blame him, even though I do. It is helpful for me to write about things and then get them off of my chest. We still have the highest love for one another and it shows in photos that people take of us when we least expected them.

So going forward: Looks like we are going to have to move on, but I had to do just about everything before I gave up. I was never brought up to give up and my parents and sister still support me as we travel this road. Of course I can't ever forget Tricia!!!!!!!!!

Thank you those of you who actually take the time to read my stuff. Thank you to those of you who show how much you love and care about us. We couldn't do it all alone!

I'd love to go on a hike but I am on some strict rest for 4-6 weeks and I also have a broken foot that needs tending too but my operation got in the way of that.

Thanks Again to those of you who try to understand!!!!!!!!!! I am happy to answer any questions any of you may have regarding infertility and what to expect. I also welcome any questions of my chronic illnesses. People don't always understand unless they ask.

Kara

Fertility Sucks

Ok Here's the deal............Allen and I have been trying to have a baby going into 7 years now. We have divided family on the issue. When you go through something as heavy as this and you are dealing with the amount of pain I do each day, you kind of get tunnel vision and forget the rest of the world. The part of the world that you don't forget, are the women that are beautifully pregnant. It hurts espescially when the woman or women are or were close to you.

This past month we thougt we may have gotten it right.......3 weeks later to lose it. Now I know some of you think this is not a loss, but it is. It's the loss and grief of never being able to have a baby. Your own baby.

Not only did I fail at having a career, house, and the rest of the American Dream, I also failed at getting and staying pregnant. I'm tired of getting positive pregnancy tests at home only to go to the Hospital to find out that it's negative. There's nothing like having a TOTAL STRANGER tell you that you are not pregnant.

I'd rather find out alone in my own home...........Not to mention we have a party to go to in August and there will be at least 3 pregnant women there that I know of. That will be a heavily intoxicating night for sure.

So the plan moving forward is to see my Doctor in August and decide what to do next. But after this we are done.

It will just be the two of us as it always has been and hopefully always will be!

Thanks for taking time to read and understand where we are coming from.

Here's to a better tomorrow!

Kara

Miracels?

Photos from my Mother in Law's and Mom's garden.

I'm still thinking about Miracles again. It's not very far for me to go in this brain of mine. I've been seeing this CVS Pharmacy commercial that has a beautiful song behind it. I kept thinking.....I want that song but had no idea who sang it. I found it by accident right in front of my face tonight.

WELL...... HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!! MY HIGH POINT FOR THE NIGHT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urv7tyeJ7qE

It's by Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

OH AND BY THE WAY..................................Charlotte's Web is my absolute FAVORITE MOVIE from childhood!

Kara

To Anyone Who Cares

Please Watch This Fisrt (It's long so take a tea or coffee break)

This describes the experience of infertility. A link to give family and friends who may be having a hard time understanding our struggle with infertility.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Not only are we done with the grueling fertility drugs but this month has sucked more than any words can say. And I've been to the best surgeon on the East Coast for my fertility issues. He has done just about all he can for now. I was in the Hospital and Allen got a very bad cold with a high fever and couldn't go to work until Today. In the middle of all of this we lost this month to try and conceive. I just want to bang my head against a wall and scream. I am very bitter and angry. It seems every where I look I see someone pregnant with or with one and another on the way. I saw a therapist for 4 years back when we started this grim process. I've had to fight for each and everything that I have in life but this one fight that I'm not going to win. It's a losing battle at this point. We have 3 more months left to try and then we will have to make some really hard choices, come August.

The reason I write this here is that NO ONE LISTENS! They change the subject and or say nothing at all. It's very lonely thats for DAMN sure! My closest family members are stuck in their own lives. All I see are Ashley Simpson (not even married) and Jamie Lynn Spears at age 16, and Angelina Jolee with her whole orphanage and still having her own, and the list could go on forever. My Best Friend is Due next month around my birthday. My Cousin is due in May.......Friends, Family, Strangers...I'm all alone! Some of my very best friends are so caught up in their own lives that they can't even take time to watch or read this and that is sad. You find out who your real friends are eh?


I'm jealous and ANGRY but that is OK because I have a right to be under my circumstances. I'm not quite sure why I missed the boat? What the Hell did I do in life to deserve this much physical and emotional pain???????????????

Around 6 years of this........I know there has to come a point where we stop because the emotional pain is too much to keep going on like this. But at the same time I don't want to let it go because, after all it was a dream, and a hope, but I've lost the faith.

Society tells us how we should live. High School, College, Find a Career, Meet Someone Special, Get Engaged, Get Married, Buy A House, Have Two Cars, Have Children, with a white picket fence outside, and live happily ever after.

This Video describes the feelings going through my head........

But Don't worry for those of you who actually read this, I will pick myself up in due time and keep going.........

Thanks for actually watching and reading this post. It means more to me than any of you know. It's very lonely without family here. Even with family here, it's still incredibly hard!

Kara (Empty Arms and Broken Heart)